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More wham… bam-bam-bam

It’s Jimbo here, purposely avoiding the bummer subject of a certain pandemic that’s currently sweeping its way across the globe spreading death and economic destruction…

…and instead, bringing you a much more cheery topic: Tips on how beat the crap out of someone who’s annoying you.

Okay, that’s a joke, (kinda). These are self-defense tips designed to help you fight and win against an opponent who’s bigger, stronger, and perhaps even better looking.

Today is “Part Two” of a series of fightin’ facts that began last week, (that one I cleverly named “Part One”), to help clear up any misconceptions that could cloud your judgment when and if “crunch time” ever hits.

Here’s what I’ll cover:

  • The Single Weapon: The overused haymaker.
  • Head Hunting: Not just for New Guinea pigmies.
  • The Trigger: Starts with a little shove.
  • Head Stomp: The latest dance craze.

His Single Weapon:

The One Big Punch.

One bit of good news is that your opponent is unlikely to have much fight training, (binge-watching MMA matches and Jason Borne movies don’t count as “training”).

Which means most of the time his “big move” is gonna be a looping right “haymaker” to your head.

Wait… that’s good news?

Well, yes, because knowing that your opponent probably doesn’t have much of an arsenal allows you to beat him with a couple of simple counters.

Here’s one: When you sniff that trouble is in the air (becoming tougher smelling our own bad breath with a mask), circle around your opponent’s left side (that’s your right if you’re facing him) before any real confrontation even begins.

As FightFast instructor Tom Proctor points out, (he’s a former pit fighter, street-brawler, and overall scary dude) if your opponent also begins to circle and follow your movements it indicates he’s got combat on his mind because he’s repositioning himself to throw that right haymaker. (It’s that or he wants to Dosey-Doe).

Continue to circle around him to your right because it’s tough for a right-hander to get a good haymaker shot if you’re on his left side. He simply won’t be able to get a lot of power in his punch.

It’s an old boxing trick that really works against someone who is not an experienced fighter, (unlike my brother-in-law who has tons of experience getting punched-out).

The Short Timer:

It’s later than you think.

Here’s another interesting fact. I’ve talked about this before, but this is important, so it bears repeating. (Plus I just love hearing myself yack).

An average fight lasts, on average, just 3 to 8 seconds.

Yes, we all dig the 20-minute John Wick brawl, but an actual street fight is much less entertaining than that. It’s fast. It’s sloppy. And there’s no time for popcorn.

So here’s another tip: If you feel threatened and have a strong sense that you’re about to be attacked… don’t ignore that intuition and do NOT wait around for your opponent to make the first move.

Hit first if you can and do not let up until he’s on the ground humming show tunes, or you have the chance to escape.

Sounds ungentlemanly, (“my goodness man, you’ve displaced my monocle”), but with just 3 to 8 seconds on the stopwatch, you simply don’t have time to screw around.

You gotta end this thing as quick as you can. And again, this is for when you feel threatened and you’re pretty damn sure that you’re about to be attacked.

Always remember that you may have to explain your actions to a judge. He may not agree that punching out the bag boy for putting the eggs on the bottom was an “imminent threat”.

On the other hand, if some young punk walks toward you while you’re pumping fuel and says he’s going to “kick your ass”, you probably should take him at his word and strike first, (because again, explaining to the judge why you doused him with gasoline and lit him up is gonna be tough).

The Head Hunter:

Not your only target.

Here’s another tidbit: Most of the time your adversary will be a “head hunter” — meaning that he will almost exclusively be targeting your head with a right-handed punch.

This is valuable intel because a couple of simple defensive moves can easily protect you from that punch. The first one is to simply be ready to duck and dodge the punch.

The second is to get your left arm up and into a position that looks almost like scratching the back of your head behind your left ear, (something I do all the time since that run on Head & Shoulders).

Check out the picture. This simple move can render his one main weapon ineffective while placing you in a strong cocked and ready-to-fire position.

Of course, if you’re dealing with an experienced fighter, he’s going to have more than just that one punch. But again, statistics show that most likely, on the street, you will be confronted by a bigger, drunker dude with one trick up his sleeve… the right haymaker. (Yeah, not much of a trick).

Okay… the head is indeed a very good target. It’s the place where the mainframe computer runs his “This Is Your Life” software, (which I don’t think my brother-in-law has upgraded in a while).

So a plan to shut down his computer is a pretty good strategy. But don’t get “tunnel vision” and make the head your one and only target.

That’s a rookie mistake because the head is also one of the best defended targets.

The smart fighter looks around for other “softer” targets (some are literally soft, like squishy-soft), and scanning your opponent for these easier targets is something known as “target acquisition”, (it’s cooler when you’re wearing night-vision goggles and calling in smart-bomb drops).

This is probably the most valuable tip I can give you today, (except for wearing that stinkin’ facemask and washing your hands until they’re raw).

These “high value” targets include the groin… inside the knee… the side of neck… the throat… and the outside thigh to name a few.

A strike to any one of these could get your opponent back on his heels and panicking.

Take full advantage of his befuddlement and keep up the attack, continuing an onslaught of kicks, punches, elbows, and knees to any open targets with as much power and accuracy as you can muster.

Eventually, he may even drop his hands and leave his head exposed — giving you the chance to unplug the computer. Lights out. Game over.

The Trigger:

The classic shove.

Here’s another stunning bit of insight: A shove is typically the opening “how-do-you-do” before your opponent throws a punch.

So if an adversary shoves you, look out! It’s a big giant flashing neon sign that’s announcing his intentions.

Statistics show that it is highly probable his next move will be a strike — and typically that strike happens within a just second or two after the shove.

So what should you do if an opponent shoves you? Well, doing nothing is not your best course of action – unless getting socked in the face is your idea of a good time.

Use the shove as a “trigger” that prompts immediate and decisive action like:

1. Escape. No shame in bolting the hell out of there, (unless of course you leave your girlfriend standing there high-and-dry. Then yes, there is shame in that). The best fighters I know always keep the escape hatch open, retaining the option to escape and fight another day.

2. Hit first. A shove is technically a physical assault. And you know that a punch is heading your way in the next second or two (most likely the right haymaker). And you know that the guy who hits first usually wins. So make your move, my man.

The Head Stomp.

The latest dance craze.

Here’s some more motivation for you to stay off the ground, (just in case you needed any more “convincin'”).

One of the latest dance-crazes on the streets today is called the “head-stomp”. As you’ve probably guessed, it’s a dance on your head. (Very popular with the younger crowd).

Because research shows that if you get knocked down to the ground — especially against multiple attackers — your head is likely to be looked-upon as a rugby ball in play, (and rugby scrums can be so darn rough sometimes).

Experienced street fighters know to stay off the ground and on their feet – or else!

FightFast instructor Paul Vunak says that if you’re ever pinned on the ground by an opponent while his buddies are busy kicking away at you…

…you’ve got to do something very drastic very fast to get off the ground as you’re probably only a few seconds from being knocked unconscious and possibly killed.

Paul’s advice: Use a “biting” style borrowed from Kinamotay, (described as “the weirdest, most brutal martial art in history”).

This isn’t pleasant for anyone, (especially for your opponent), but if you’re pinned on the ground with bystanders gleefully kicking your head in, you may want to consider this:

Wrap your arms around your opponent’s head and clamp him tightly in place. Pull his head down to you and bite his face. Hold him in place and keep chomping away until he’s absolutely freaking out and desperately trying to get up and off you.

Then, suddenly release your grasp. He should spring off and away from you, giving you the chance to scramble to your feet and make your escape.

Just to be clear, this isn’t so much about biting as it is about “convincing” an opponent to get off of you.

“If you just take a quick nip”, Vunak points out, “that’s only going to piss him off”.

The key is to strategically lock him in place so that there’s plenty of time for the real horror and terror to sink in as you rip and tear at his face, (he didn’t need those chubby cheeks anyway).

That’s the convincer. That’s when he realizes he’s made a mistake, (and stepped straight into a scene from “Silence Of The Lambs”). That’s what will get him off and away from you.

“Believe me”, Vunak points out. “Once he realizes you’re chewing his face off, his only thought will be to get off you and as far away from you as possible”, (which is all you wanted in the first place, right?).

Pretty nasty stuff, (sorry, were you just sitting down to dinner?).

Which is why we typically don’t release this instruction without a signed “waiver”, (although this wicked training is available to you below in the P.S.).

On that note, I’m outta here. I gotta go scrub my hands again.

More “Man-Skills” to come, (if you can stomach it).

Stay Manly,

Jimbo, Editor
Man Skills

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